627 lines
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627 lines
134 KiB
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<title>Interabled Sex Education - Missy Magazine</title>
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<meta property="og:title" content="Interabled Sex Education - Missy Magazine" />
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<meta property="og:description" content="Evan Tepest und Selma Kay Matter beschreiben, wie Dating zwischen chronisch kranker und able-bodied Person aussehen kann." />
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<meta property="article:published_time" content="2023-10-30T09:42:59+00:00" />
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<meta property="article:modified_time" content="2023-10-31T09:13:43+00:00" />
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<div class="site__teaser"><p>Evan Tepest und Selma Kay Matter beschreiben, wie Dating zwischen chronisch kranker und able-bodied Person aussehen kann. </p>
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<p class="art__column_extra">Kolumnist*in: <span class="author vcard"><a class="url fn n" href="https://missy-magazine.de/blog/author/evatepest/">Evan Tepest</a></span></p> <p class="art__column_extra">Fotos/Illustration: Bär Kittelmann</p> <p class="art__column_extra "><span class="posted-on"><time class="published" datetime="2023-10-30T11:42:59+02:00">30.10.2023</time></span></p> </div><!-- .entry-meta -->
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<div class="site__content post-74759 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-artikel category-kolumnen category-koerper-und-sex category-triple-water tag-after-sex-care tag-ally tag-behinderung tag-belastungsintoleranz tag-booty-call tag-bottom tag-care tag-care-arbeit-2 tag-cfs tag-chronic-fatigue-syndrome tag-chronisch-krank tag-chronische-erschoepfung tag-chronische-krankheit tag-chronische-schmerzen tag-chronisches-fatigue-syndrom-2 tag-dating tag-erschoepfung tag-evan-tepest tag-fatigue tag-interabled tag-interabled-beziehung tag-interabled-couple tag-interabled-paar tag-kolumne tag-krank tag-long-covid tag-marginalisierung tag-marginalisierungserfahrung tag-online-kolumne tag-paarberatung tag-pillow-prince tag-pillow-princess tag-queer tag-queer-dating tag-queeres-couple tag-queerness tag-schmerzen tag-selma-kay-matter tag-sex tag-sex-care tag-sex-education tag-sex-kolumne-2 tag-sex-kolumne tag-sweet-little-lies tag-top tag-triple-water illustrator-baer-kittelmann steady-paywall-container">
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<p><strong>Triple Water 💦</strong> von Evan Tepest und Selma Kay Matter</p>
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<figure class="wp-block-image size-full"><img decoding="async" fetchpriority="high" width="728" height="489" src="data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAAtgAAAHpAQAAAACQZnY9AAAAAnRSTlMAAHaTzTgAAABCSURBVHja7cExAQAAAMKg9U9tCj+gAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOBrr7wAAawJ1twAAAAASUVORK5CYII=" alt="zwei Personen liegen nackt und eng umschlungen auf einem Bett. Darüber steht der Satz: Hey Boy, ich würde dich gerne wiedersehen. Aber ich bin chronisch Krank und würde mir wünschen, dass unser nächstes Treffen möglichst accesible ist." class="wp-image-75512 lazyload" sizes="(max-width: 728px) 100vw, 728px" data-src="https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/sex-care-After-sex-care-kittelmann-_Text-.jpg" data-srcset="https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/sex-care-After-sex-care-kittelmann-_Text-.jpg 728w, https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/sex-care-After-sex-care-kittelmann-_Text--250x168.jpg 250w, https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/sex-care-After-sex-care-kittelmann-_Text--300x202.jpg 300w" data-eio-rwidth="728" data-eio-rheight="489" /><noscript><img decoding="async" fetchpriority="high" width="728" height="489" src="data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg%20xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg'%20viewBox='0%200%20728%20489'%3E%3C/svg%3E" data-src="https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/sex-care-After-sex-care-kittelmann-_Text-.jpg" alt="zwei Personen liegen nackt und eng umschlungen auf einem Bett. Darüber steht der Satz: Hey Boy, ich würde dich gerne wiedersehen. Aber ich bin chronisch Krank und würde mir wünschen, dass unser nächstes Treffen möglichst accesible ist." class="wp-image-75512 lazy" data-srcset="https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/sex-care-After-sex-care-kittelmann-_Text-.jpg 728w, https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/sex-care-After-sex-care-kittelmann-_Text--250x168.jpg 250w, https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/sex-care-After-sex-care-kittelmann-_Text--300x202.jpg 300w" data-sizes="(max-width: 728px) 100vw, 728px" data-eio="l" /></noscript><figcaption class="wp-element-caption">Aron und Gianni sind total verknallt. Die beiden denken aber immer wieder an Sexpausen, <br>damit Gianni sich nicht überanstrengt. © Bär Kittelmann</figcaption></figure>
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<p><em>Sex ist immer schon etwas anderes als es selbst. Müssen wir verstehen, was wir begehren? Wo fängt die Lust an und wer entscheidet, was wir hot finden? Von PMS-Sex bis Porn-Gifs, über die juicy Texte der 70er-Jahre Radikalfeminist*innen bis hin zu queeren Heteros – in Triple Water wird es lesbisch, lebensfroh und nur ein kleines bisschen verklemmt.</em></p>
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<p>Evans Kolumne macht auf Paarberatung – für Aron und Gianni. Das queere Couple hat sich an „Triple Water“ gewendet und gefragt: Dating zwischen chronisch kranker und able-bodied Person – wie soll das gehen? Um das zu beantworten, hat Evan sich Selma Kay Matter ins Boot geholt.</p>
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<p><em>Aron und Gianni lernen sich bei einem Konzert von Tami T kennen. Sie bonden sofort über ihre Hobbys (Gewichtstraining und Reality-TV), ihre geteilte Transness und ihre Liebe für queere Memoiren. Beim Song „Ultimate Syndrome” schauen sie sich ganz tief in die Augen und verdrücken beide eine Träne. Gianni fragt Aaron: „Darf ich dich küssen?” und Aron lacht und sagt: „Ich dachte schon, du fragst nie.” </em></p><section class="bbox bbox--author bbox--purple"><div class="bbox__authorpic"><img class="hidden-desktop lazyload" src="data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAAMgAAAEsAQAAAACugcETAAAAAnRSTlMAAHaTzTgAAAAeSURBVFjD7cExAQAAAMKg9U9tB2+gAAAAAAAAAOA3HngAARco3ZkAAAAASUVORK5CYII=" alt="" data-src="https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Eva-Tepest_Stefanie-Kulisch-4-200x300.jpg" decoding="async" width="200" height="300" data-eio-rwidth="200" data-eio-rheight="300"><noscript><img class="hidden-desktop lazy" src="data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg%20xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg'%20viewBox='0%200%20200%20300'%3E%3C/svg%3E" data-src="https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Eva-Tepest_Stefanie-Kulisch-4-200x300.jpg" alt="" data-eio="l"></noscript><img class="hidden-mobile lazyload" src="data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAAMgAAAEsAQAAAACugcETAAAAAnRSTlMAAHaTzTgAAAAeSURBVFjD7cExAQAAAMKg9U9tB2+gAAAAAAAAAOA3HngAARco3ZkAAAAASUVORK5CYII=" alt="" data-src="https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Eva-Tepest_Stefanie-Kulisch-4-200x300.jpg" decoding="async" width="200" height="300" data-eio-rwidth="200" data-eio-rheight="300"><noscript><img class="hidden-mobile lazy" src="data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg%20xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg'%20viewBox='0%200%20200%20300'%3E%3C/svg%3E" data-src="https://missy-magazine.de/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Eva-Tepest_Stefanie-Kulisch-4-200x300.jpg" alt="" data-eio="l"></noscript></div><div class="bbox__authorbody"><h2 class="size-body m-0 bold"><a href="/author/evatepest">Evan Tepest</a></h2><div>Evan Tepest ist Autor*in und Journalist*in. Evans Essayband „Power Bottom“ über lesbisch-queeren Sex erschien im März im MÄRZ Verlag. Dey ist Teil des Kollektivs DYKE DOGS, mit dem Evan die gleichnamige lesbische Kulturreihe organisiert und Finalist*in des Open Mikes 2020 war.</div></div></section>
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<p><em>Was Aron noch nicht weiß: Gianni kämpft schon seit der Kindheit mit verschiedenen Formen chronischer Erkrankung: mit Neurodermitis, Unverträglichkeiten und Allergien. Mit Migräne und Depression. Und seit einem Jahr lebt Gianni mit CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) als Folge von Covid-19 – wie schon vor der Pandemie rund 250.000 Menschen in Deutschland.</em></p>
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<p><em>Nach dem ersten Kuss der beiden liegt Gianni vor Erschöpfung eine Woche lang fast nur im Bett. Gianni ist verknallt, und leider kann sein Nervensystem den Hormoncocktail an Dopamin, Adrenalin und Serotonin nicht so gut verarbeiten: Ein Hauptsymptom von CFS ist die sogenannte Belastungsintoleranz, die dazu führt, dass Gianni auf jede Art von Aufregung oder Anstrengung mit einer Verschlechterung der Symptome reagiert. Schließlich schreibt Gianni Aron auf TikTok: „Hey Boy, ich würde dich gerne wiedersehen. Aber ich bin chronisch krank und würde mir wünschen, dass unser nächstes Treffen möglichst accessible ist. <a href="https://www.mecfs.de/was-ist-me-cfs/pem/; https://altea-network.com/vademecum/fati">Hier</a> ein paar Quellen, wäre richtig cool, wenn du dich da einliest.” Arons Herz setzt einen Schlag aus.</em></p>
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<p></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Dey will Gianni so gerne einen Booty Call geben. Aber wie?</h2>
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<p>Aron sollte erst mal staubsaugen, vor allem unter dem Bett. Dann sollte dey für das Date keine volle und verrauchte Kneipe raussuchen, sondern lieber für einen gluten- und laktosefreien Mitternachtssnack einkaufen. Dey sollte von Gianni nicht erwarten, U-Bahn oder Fahrrad zu fahren, sondern könnte vorschlagen, eine Fahrt in einer App zu buchen und die Kosten zu teilen. Oder, noch besser: sich zu Gianni einladen und Essen mitbringen (die Rhetorik ist hier wichtig – nicht „SOLL ich was für dich einkaufen?”, sondern: „WAS soll ich für dich einkaufen?”) und wenn Gianni sagt, „Nichts”, trotzdem glutenfreie Cornflakes und ein paar Basics mitbringen. Aron sollte grundsätzlich nicht sofort glauben, wenn Gianni sagt, „Nein, schon okay” oder „Nicht so schlimm, wenn ich einmal Gluten esse”, sondern misstrauisch bleiben gegenüber Giannis <a href="https://missy-magazine.de/blog/2021/10/17/sweet-little-lies/">„sweet little lies”</a>. Behauptungen wie „Das ist nicht so schlimm” können nämlich ein angelernter Mechanismus sein, um das Machtgefälle zwischen einer dominanten Position (hier: able-bodied) gegenüber einer marginalisierten Position (hier: behindert/chronisch krank) zumindest ein bisschen auszugleichen. </p>
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<p>Wenn Gianni bei Aron ankommt oder umgekehrt, sollte Aron schließlich nicht sofort Sex erwarten von Gianni – oder das, was dey darunter versteht. Stattdessen könnte dey Gianni erst mal die Füße massieren und mit ihm kuscheln. Das beruhigt nicht nur das Nervensystem, sondern lässt auch Aron, dessen Mental Health nicht in Bestform ist, Vertrauen zu Gianni aufbauen. Win win.</p>
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<p><em>Nach dem ersten Übernachtungsdate sind Aron und Gianni nicht nur beide endgültig bis über beide Segelohren verknallt, sondern haben auch extrem viel Lust aufeinander. Es war richtig schön, sich langsam näherzukommen, und nun fühlen sich beide so sicher miteinander, dass sie gerne zur Sache kommen würden – zumal Gianni sich, seitdem er mit Testosteron angefangen hat, wie ein horny Teenager fühlt, und Aron kurz vor dem Eisprung ist. Doch Gianni weiß, dass Sex, wenn er so abläuft wie auf dem Bildschirm – ausgiebig, körperbetont und mit mindestens einem Orgasmus am Ende – für ihn nur um einen hohen Preis zu haben ist. Auch wenn er sich wünscht, die ganze Nacht durchzumachen und sich in akrobatischen Positionen mit Aron zu vereinen, brauchen die beiden Liebenden also eine Alternative. </em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Nach der Sex-Care ist vor der After-Sex-Care</h2>
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<p>Anstatt dass Aron sich sofort vor Gianni hinkniet, der gerade zur Tür reingekommen ist und noch in Schuhen und Jacke im Flur steht, um ihm die Hose aufzuknöpfen und ihm an Ort und Stelle einen Blowjob zu geben, könnte dey Gianni die Jacke ausziehen, die Schnürsenkel aufmachen und ihn mit deren starken Armen ins Bett tragen. Dann könnte dey Gianni vorschlagen, einen Timer zu stellen und gemeinsam an Sexpausen zu denken, damit Gianni sich nicht überanstrengt. Praktischerweise sind sie beide so switchy, wie es nur geht – ihre sexuellen Rollen sind flexibel. Aron muss sich nicht von Gianni toppen lassen, der vielleicht k.o. ist von der Fahrt, sondern kann seinem <a href="https://missy-magazine.de/blog/2023/03/09/endlich-pillow-princess/">Pillow Prince</a> erst mal ganz langsam Hoodie und Hose ausziehen. Vielleicht fragt Aron noch mal nach, wie Giannis Energielevel gerade ist. Wie sich sein Körper anfühlt und ob er Schmerzen hat. Es ist auch clever, abzuchecken, ob Giannis Schmerzlevel gerade dazu führt, dass er es besonders hot findet, gespankt zu werden, oder ob er sich so empfindlich fühlt, dass alles ganz soft sein muss. Wenn der Wecker klingelt, sollte Aron mit dem aufhören, was dey gerade tut, es sei denn, Gianni besteht wiederholt darauf, seine eigenen körperlichen Grenzen zu überschreiten: Dann sollte Aron das respektieren und Giannis Entscheidung mittragen. Im Idealfall sind beide einverstanden mit einer Pause, in der Aron Gianni z. B. küssen könnte oder über Giannis hotten Bartflaum streichen, der gerade wächst, oder ihm etwas vorlesen oder ihm eine Portion glutenfreie Spaghetti kochen.</p>
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<p><em>Wow, wow, wow. Die Liebenden sind richtig geflasht davon, dass Sex nicht einem gängigen Skript folgen muss und trotzdem so hot und intim sein kann. Aber: Nach der Sex-Care ist vor der After-Sex-Care. Nachdem Gianni mit dem Taxi zurück nach Hause gefahren ist und die Tür zu seiner winzigen Einzimmerwohnung aufgeschlossen hat, fühlt er sich auf einmal ganz lost. Die Wohnung ist chaotisch, der Kühlschrank ist leer und Aron fühlt sich ganz weit weg an. Prompt bricht Gianni in Tränen aus und schickt Aron ein Selfie von seinem von Tränen und Ausschlag geröteten Gesicht. Dann löscht er es wieder. Aber weil Aron immer auf Nachrichten von Gianni wartet, hat dey es natürlich davor schon gesehen.</em></p>
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<p><em>Aron hat ein schlechtes Gewissen. Dey hat doch versucht, alles richtig zu machen. Dey hat Gianni ein Taxi bestellt und ihm die Hälfte des Geldes überwiesen. Dey hat extra eingekauft. Dey hat Gianni eine Wärmflasche gemacht und Tee und ihn davon abgehalten, beim Spülen zu helfen. Aron ist tragisch zumute: Ist die interabled Beziehung zwischen demm und Gianni zum Scheitern verurteilt?</em></p>
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<p>In der Begegnung mit Menschen, die Marginalisierung erfahren, die wir nicht nachempfinden können, geht es nicht darum, alles richtig zu machen. Sondern darum, Verfehlungen zu erkennen. Dem Gegenüber zuzuhören und zu versuchen, das, was schiefgegangen ist, nachträglich so gut wie möglich einzufangen und beim nächsten Mal besser zu machen. Also, Aron: erst mal tief durchatmen, eine Runde meditieren und nicht auf deiner eigenen gekränkten Perspektive hängen bleiben. Du kriegst das hin.</p>
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<p>Trick Nummer eins für able-bodied <a href="https://missy-magazine.de/blog/2016/10/25/willst-du-meine-ally-sein/">Allys</a> im Umgang mit chronisch kranken Personen ist: Fragen stellen. Respektvolle Fragen, natürlich, die dazu beitragen, in Erfahrung zu bringen, wie 1 das Gegenüber bestmöglich unterstützen kann. Aron schreibt: „Babe. Was brauchst du gerade?” Gianni antwortet: „1. Cuddles, 2. Essen, 3. Ablenkung”. Aron ist ein bisschen gestresst. Muss dey jetzt die 10 km zu Gianni fahren und für ihn kochen und ihn kuscheln? Aron checkt, dass er Gianni einfach vorher schon hätte fragen können: „Was brauchst du, damit du dich auch nach unserem Treffen okay fühlst?” Die Date-Planung sollte nämlich nicht nur bis zu dem Punkt gehen, wo die beiden fertig sind mit Sexhaben, sondern mit Gianni, der so happy wie möglich und versorgt in seinem Bett angekommen ist.</p>
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<p>Okay. Das ist nicht optimal gelaufen. Aber Aron hat ein paar Ideen. Erst mal schickt dey Gianni deren Zugangsdaten für drei verschiedene Streaming-Seiten und sagt ihm, welche queeren Coming-of-Age-Feelgood-Serien er sich anschauen soll. Dey bestellt Gianni Snacks und eine Suppe, die sich Gianni nur warm machen muss. Dann schreibt Aron ihm:</p>
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<p>„Ok, wenn ich Yara und unseren Polycule texte und checke, wer in der Nähe ist?”</p>
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<p>Eine Stunde später liegt Gianni mit seiner besten Freundin und seiner anderen Beziehungsperson im Bett und schaut zum zweiten Mal „Heartstopper“. Er macht ein Foto von Charlie und Nick und schickt es Aron:</p>
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<p>„Ich freue mich schon darauf, wenn UNSERE Bromance weitergeht.“<ins></ins></p>
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